I keep telling myself I’ve made peace with it. With all of it. This choice I’ve made to stay exactly where I am even though every part of me still draws me to her.
What I really did was make a compromise. To stay put, silence the truth and hope it all goes away. But it hasn’t, still.
I’ve known for a long time what I want but wanting was never the problem. It’s the knowing that I can’t move toward it. Or won’t. Same difference in the end.
Some days it feels like I’m doing the “right” thing. Other days it feels like I’m just dragging my feet through a life that’s fine on paper and senseless everywhere else. I try to call it discipline, responsibility, whatever makes it easier to help me accept that I’m not choosing the person my heart wants.
I know, I hear myself. I sound pathetic, a grown adult, complaining. But here I am. I keep moving forward further and further away from her. It’s the only move that doesn’t burn my whole life down.
Still… I wonder sometimes. How long can I keep pretending I don’t feel this? How long before the truth I keep burying finds its way to the surface?
Some days I think I’ve let her go. Most days I know I’m lying to myself.